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Science Shows That Romance Can Last in Long-Term Marriages

"Many people believe that romantic love is the same as passionate love," said psychology researcher Bianca P. Acevedo, PhD, then at Stony Brook University (currently at University of California, Santa Barbara). "It isn't. Romantic love has the intensity, engagement and sexual chemistry that passionate love has, minus the obsessive component. Passionate or obsessive love includes feelings of uncertainty and anxiety. This kind of love helps drive the shorter relationships but not the longer ones."

Acevedo and her peers looked at 17 short-term relationship studies, which included 18- to 23-year-old college students who were single, dating or married, with the average relationship lasting less than four years. They also looked at 10 long-term relationship studies comprising middle-aged couples who were typically married 10 years or more.

They found that long-term love can progress into a healthy, companionship/friendship type of love, which will last for the long term. This type of romantic love in marriage can extend for a lifetime of "happily ever after"!

How do married couples make love last? Here are four tips for the long haul.

Be “There” for Your Partner

This research shows that husbands and wives who feel supported in their marriages are happier. On the other hand, "feelings of insecurity are generally associated with lower satisfaction, and in some cases may spark conflict in the relationship,” says Acevedo. “This can manifest into obsessive love." To build a successful marriage, both spouses need to be there for each other.

Remember the Stages of Love

Long-term romantic relationships go through distinct stages of love – and the passionate love at the beginning can’t be sustained throughout the whole marriage!

If partners are aware of the “highs and lows” in love, the happier they’ll be for the long-term (because they won’t have unrealistic expectations for romance or passion).

Let Go of the Little Things in a Relationship

The trivialities of daily life can undermine a loving relationship. Instead of getting caught up in details that are likely petty and unimportant, focus on the big picture.

For instance, be grateful that the bathroom is being cleaned (instead of fretting that it wasn’t cleaned with a particular cleanser).

Maintain a Strong Friendship in Marriage

To build romantic love, take time and energy to be friends with your husband or wife. Learn new things together, such as how to make sushi or how to geocache. Take an adventure vacation together. Read books together, about companion love and building a happy marriage. Make it a habit to please and give your partner what he or she needs as much as possible.

"Couples should strive for love with all the trimmings," Acevedo said. "And couples who've been together a long time and wish to get back their romantic edge should know it is an attainable goal that, like most good things in life, requires energy and devotion."